Know My Name

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“She has written a memoir that converts the ongoing experience of sexual assault into literature…Beautiful.“─The Atlantic

“To tell her story at all is enough…the fact that Miller tells it beautifully, caring enough for her reader to spin golden sentences from her pain, is a gift on top of a gift.” ─Vogue

“Know My Name is an act of reclamation. On every page, Miller unflattens herself, returning from Victim or Emily Doe to Chanel, a beloved daughter and sister…Know My Name marks the debut of a gifted young writer. Miller’s words are purpose. They are maps. And she is a treasure who has prevailed.”─Jennifer Weiner, The New York Times

“In this powerful, gutsy memoir, Miller—the sexual assault survivor in the Stanford case—reclaims her name and her story.”—The New York Times Book Review

“Know My Name is a blistering, beautifully written account of a courageous young woman’s struggle to hold a sexual predator accountable. Stand back, folks: This book is going to give a huge blast of momentum to the #MeToo movement.”─Jon Krakauer

“She writes exquisitely of her pain, makes us feel every fragment of it, but also expounds on the kindness that nourished her spirit…Miller matters. Readers will see every victim matters.” ─USA Today

“In a perfect world, Know My Name would be required reading for every police officer, detective, prosecutor, provost and judge who deals with victims of sexual assault.” ─LA Times

“Miller is a gifted storyteller…Know her name, know her voice.”─The New Yorker

“Miller provides one of the most moving and humanizing depictions of sexual assault I have ever read…Know My Name features the kind of intimate, coming-of-age storytelling that you don’t find in a typical story about a crime and its aftermath. She lets us see her in quiet moments and jubilant ones, in moments of doubt and moments of strength…In giving us the gift of knowing her, Miller has written a singular testament to the human cost of sexual violence, and a powerful reminder of why we fight.” ─The Cut

“In a world that asks too many survivors to keep their experiences to themselves and shrink their suffering to preserve someone else’s potential, Know My Name stands unapologetically large, asking others to reckon with its author’s dazzling, undiminishable presence. To read it, in spite of everything, inspires hope.”—The Guardian

“I’d never read anything that so vividly paints the bewildering maze that a sexually assaulted woman faces…Know My Name raises crucial questions about the way we treat sexual assault and, indeed, sex itself.” ─Katha Pollitt, The Nation

“In its rare honesty and in its small details, Know My Name is both an open wound and a salve, a quiet cry and the loudest scream…Know My Name is more than an indictment, though it is a successful and moving one. It is also an outstretched hand, inviting you to fight alongside her.”─Elle

“Miller’s memoir is beautifully written, underscored by simmering indignation.” ─Jezebel

“Compelling and essential…Miller reminds us that our stories are worth telling, that the names and the lives attached to those names matter.” ─SF Chronicle

“Triumphant…Know My Name evokes a woman whose spirit hasn’t been broken—a study in what it means to strike back, not in revenge, but in reclamation.”—O Magazine

“A stunning book…beautifully written.”—Teen Vogue

“Unputdownable…A much-needed memoir giving voice to those who must be heard. Miller’s writing stands apart.”—Library Journal (starred review)

“Miller’s new memoir echoes her powerful victim-impact statement… It’s a beautiful revealing self-portrait. It’s funny and it’s heartbreaking, and it’s an inspiration. There’s just no other way to say it: the writing is exquisite.” ─The Daily Beast

“Miller’s memoir, Know My Name, gives readers the privilege of knowing her not just as Emiy Doe, but as Chanel Miller the writer, the artist, the survivor, the fighter.” ─The Wrap

“Miller distinguishes herself not only for her resilience and fortitude, but also for her power of expression. She possesses extraordinary gifts as a writer.”─The National Book Review

“Miller makes a powerful case for overhauling a system that retraumatizes victims of sexual violence even in successful cases, perpetuating the feedback loop that discourages victims from coming forward to seek justice.” ─Mother JonesChanel Miller is a writer and artist who received her BA in Literature from the University of California, Santa Barbara. Her critically acclaimed memoir, KNOW MY NAME, was a New York Times bestseller, a New York Times Book Review Notable Book, and a National Book Critics Circle Award winner, as well as a best book of 2019 in Time, the Washington Post, the Chicago Tribune, NPR, and People, among others. She is a 2019 Time Next 100 honoree and a 2016 Glamour Woman of the Year honoree under her pseudonym, “Emily Doe.”Reading Group Questions and Topics for Discussion
 
1. As Emily Doe, Chanel wrote a victim impact statement that went viral, reaching audiences around the world. Had you read her statement before reading her memoir? If so, how did that statement affect you?
 
2. Did you have any preconceptions about sexual assault prior to reading Know My Name? How has your understanding—of victims, perpetrators, or sexual assault itself—changed, if at all?
 
3. Chanel’s experience with even setting a date for the trial was extremely elongated and emotionally trying. Were you surprised to hear about her experience and that of the people closest to her? Has reading Know My Name affected your understanding of how sexual assault is approached by the law? Has your understanding of why someone doesn’t report assault changed?
 
4. On a similar note, what steps do you see colleges taking in response to sexual assault cases on their campuses? How can institutions create safer environments for students?
 
5. During her trial, Chanel was persistently asked targeted questions (about her clothing, her previous relationship with alcohol, her previous dating experience). Did her experience with sexism feel familiar to you? How so?
 
6. How do you think humor played a part in Chanel sharing her story? Were you surprised to find her memoir funny? How, if at all, do you think humor plays a part in recovering from traumatic experiences?
 
7. Chanel notes how differently she and Brock Turner were portrayed during the trial—he was lauded for his athletic ability, while she was reduced to a shadow of her whole self. The media focused on his future prospects and potential. Has Chanel’s experience affected how you might react to portrayals of victims and perpetrators in the future?
 
8. In some ways, Chanel’s closure was official: a jury delivered a guilty verdict. But not all of our experiences can be brought in front of a jury—and sometimes, when they can, the verdict is not in our favor. How do you find closure, or resolve an injustice done to you, when that’s the case? What might healing look like?
 
9. Chanel explains the separation between herself and Emily Doe. She details how vigilant she had to be to keep the experiences of these two halves of her apart, and how much harder it grew to do so—until one day she realized that Emily was an essential part of herself. Is there a part of you that you are ashamed of, or worry won’t be accepted, or fear will make people see you differently? Has Chanel’s story of self-acceptance given you an avenue to offer yourself the same? What empathy can you offer yourself today?
 
10. Chanel kept her assault a secret for a long time. Why did she fear coming forward? Have you ever withheld information to protect the ones you love? What would have to change for victims to seek help earlier?
 
11. Many of us think that rapists are strangers who jump out of bushes and attack in alleyways, when the reality is that the majority of cases involve a perpetrator the victim already knows. As Chanel says, “The friendly guy who helps you move and assists senior citizens in the pool is the same guy who assaulted me. One person can be capable of both. Society often fails to wrap its head around the fact that these truths often coexist, they are not mutually exclusive. Bad qualities can hide inside a good person. That’s the terrifying part.” Discuss why it’s difficult for people to hold these two truths.
 
12. Chanel details the daily harassment that so many women experience. Because it doesn’t involve physical violence, it’s often minimized and dismissed as no big deal. Why is it important to include these moments in a story about rape? What impact do they have? Did you find yourself reevaluating experiences in your own life?
 
13. Consent is often only talked about in the context of sex, when really it is a daily practice of respecting others’ privacy and personal boundaries. Where are examples of consent in day-to-day life that we can exercise? Talk about a time in your daily life when your personal space was not respected, and how you might have talked about consent in that situation.
 
14. Not only did the Swedes choose not to look away, they took action. If a friend says something offensive or off putting, it can be hard to voice disagreement, fearing that you will make others uncomfortable. How do we develop that courage in ourselves and others?
 
15. What role do race and class play in the criminal justice system? When the victim, or the accused, is a person of color, in what ways might it affect their experience or the way they are perceived in court?
 
16. Is there an instance in which you responded to another person with dismissal rather than empathy that you now regret? If you could change your response to them, what words or comfort would you offer now?I N T R O D U C T I O N  
 

The fact that I spelled subpoena, suhpeena, may suggest I am not qualified to tell this story. But all court transcripts are at the world’s disposal, all news articles online. This is not the ultimate truth, but it is mine, told to the best of my ability. If you want it through my eyes and ears, to know what it felt like inside my chest, what it’s like to hide in the bathroom during trial, this is what I provide. I give what I can, you take what you need.
In January 2015, I was twenty-two, living and working in my home- town of Palo Alto, California. I attended a party at Stanford. I was sexually assaulted outside on the ground. Two bystanders saw it, stopped him, saved me. My old life left me, and a new one began. I was given a new name to protect my identity: I became Emily Doe.
In this story, I will be calling the defense attorney, the defense. The judge, the judge. They are here to demonstrate the roles they played. This is not a personal indictment, not a clapback, a blacklist, a rehashing. I believe we are all multidimensional beings, and in court, it felt harmful being f lattened, characterized, mislabeled, and vilified, so I will not do the same to them. I will use Brock’s name, but the truth is he could be Brad or Brody or Benson, and it doesn’t matter. The point is not their individual significance, but their commonality, all the peo- ple enabling a broken system. This is an attempt to transform the hurt inside myself, to confront a past, and find a way to live with and incor- porate these memories. I want to leave them behind so I can move forward. In not naming them, I finally name myself.
My name is Chanel.
I am a victim, I have no qualms with this word, only with the idea that it is all that I am. However, I am not Brock Turner’s victim. I am not his anything. I don’t belong to him. I am also half Chinese. My Chinese name is Zhang Xiao Xia, which translates to Little Summer. I was named summer because:
I was born in June.
Xia is also China’s first dynasty. I am the first child.
“Xia” sounds like “sha.” Chanel.
The FBI defines rape as any kind of penetration. But in California, rape is narrowly defined as the act of sexual intercourse. For a long time I refrained from calling him a rapist, afraid of being corrected. Legal definitions are important. So is mine. He filled a cavity in my body with his hands. I believe he is not absolved of the title simply because he ran out of time.
The saddest things about these cases, beyond the crimes themselves, are the degrading things the victim begins to believe about her being. My hope is to undo these beliefs. I say her, but whether you are a man, transgender, gender-nonconforming, however you choose to identify and exist in this world, if your life has been touched by sexual violence, I seek to protect you. And to the ones who lifted me, day by day, out of darkness, I hope to say thank you.
 
 

1.  
 
I AM SHY. In elementary school for a play about a safari, everyone else was an animal. I was grass. I’ve never asked a question in a large lecture hall. You can find me hidden in the corner of any exercise class. I’ll apologize if you bump into me. I’ll accept every pamphlet you hand out on the street. I’ve always rolled my shopping cart back to its place of ori- gin. If there’s no more half-and-half on the counter at the coffee shop, I’ll drink my coffee black. If I sleep over, the blankets will look like they’ve never been touched.
I’ve never thrown my own birthday party. I’ll put on three sweaters before I ask you to turn on the heat. I’m okay with losing board games.  I stuff my coins haphazardly into my purse to avoid holding up the checkout line. When I was little I wanted to grow up and become a mascot, so I’d have the freedom to dance without being seen.
I was the only elementary school student to be elected as a conflict manager two years in a row; my job was to wear a green vest every recess, patrolling the playground. If anyone had an unsolvable dispute, they’d find me and I’d teach them about I-Messages such as I feel       
when you       . Once a kindergartner approached me, said everyone got ten seconds on the tire swing, but when she swung, kids counted one cat, two cat, three cat, and when the boys swung, they counted one hippopotamus, two hippopotamus, longer turns. I declared from that day forward everyone would count one tiger, two tiger. My whole life I’ve counted in tigers.
I introduce myself here, because in the story I’m about to tell, I begin with no name or identity. No character traits or behaviors assigned to  me. I was found as a half-naked body, alone and unconscious. No wallet, no ID. Policemen were summoned, a Stanford dean was awakened to come see if he could recognize me, witnesses asked around; nobody knew who I belonged to, where I’d come from, who I was.
My memory tells me this: On Saturday, January 17, 2015, I was living at my parents’ house in Palo Alto. My younger sister, Tiffany, a junior at Cal Poly, had driven three hours up the coast for the long weekend. She usually spent her time at home with friends, but occasionally she’d give some of that time to me. In the late afternoon, the two of us picked up her friend Julia, a Stanford student, and drove to the Arastradero Preserve to watch the sun spill its yolk over the hills. The sky darkened, we stopped at a taqueria. We had a heated debate about where pigeons sleep, argued about whether more people fold toilet paper into squares (me) or simply crumple it (Tiffany). Tiffany and Julia mentioned a party they were going to that evening at Kappa Alpha on the Stanford campus. I paid little attention, ladling green salsa into a teeny plastic cup.
Later that night, my dad cooked broccoli and quinoa, and we reeled when he presented it as qwee-noah. It’s keen-wah, Dad, how do you not know that!! We ate on paper plates to avoid washing dishes. Two more of Tiffany’s friends, Colleen and Trea, arrived with a bottle of champagne. The plan was for the three of them to meet Julia at Stanford.  They said, You should come. I said, Should I go, would it be funny if I went. I’d be the oldest one there. I rinsed in the shower, singing. Sifted through wads of socks looking for undies, found a worn polka-dotted triangle of fabric in the corner. I pulled on a tight, charcoal-gray dress. A heavy silver necklace with tiny red stones. An oatmeal cardigan with large brown buttons. I sat on my brown carpet, lacing up my coffee-colored combat boots, my hair still wet in a bun.
Our kitchen wallpaper is striped blue and yellow. An old clock and wooden cabinets line the walls, the doorframe marked with our heights over the years (a small shoe symbol drawn if we were measured while wearing them). Opening and closing cabinet doors, we found nothing but whiskey; in the refrigerator the only mixers were soy milk and lime juice. The only shot glasses we had were from family trips, Las Vegas, Maui, back when Tiffany and I collected them as little cups for our stuffed animals. I drank the whiskey straight, unapologetically, freely, the same way you might say, Sure I’ ll attend your cousin’s bar mitzvah, on the one condition that I’m hammered.
We asked our mom to take the four of us to Stanford, a seven-minute drive down Foothill Expressway. Stanford was my backyard, my community, a breeding ground for cheap tutors my parents hired over the years. I grew up on that campus, attended summer camps in tents on the lawns, snuck out of dining halls with chicken nuggets bulging from my pockets, had dinner with professors who were parents of good friends. My mom dropped us off near the Stanford bookstore, where on rainy days she had brought us for hot cocoa and madeleines.
We walked five minutes, descended the slope of pavement to a large house tucked beneath pine trees. A guy with tiny tally marks of hair on his upper lip let us in. I found a soda and juice dispenser in the fraternity kitchen, began slapping the buttons, concocting a nonalcoholic beverage I advertised as dingleberry juice. Now serving le dinglebooboo drank for the lady! KA, KA all day. People started pouring in. The lights went off.
We stood behind a table by the front door like a welcoming committee, spread our arms and sang, Welcome welcome welcome!!! I watched the way girls entered, heads tucked halfway into their shoulders, smiling timidly, scanning the room for a familiar face to latch on to. I knew that look because I’d felt it. In college, a fraternity was an exclusive kingdom, throbbing with noise and energy, where the young ones heiled and the large males ruled. After college, a fraternity was a sour, yeasty atmosphere, a scattering of f limsy cups, where you could hear the soles of your shoes unpeeling from sticky floors, and punch tasted like paint thinner, and curls of black hair were pasted to toilet rims. We discovered a plastic handle of vodka on the table. I cradled it like I’d discovered water in the desert. Bless me. I poured it into a cup and threw it back straight. Everyone was mashed up against each other on tables, swaying like little penguins. I stood alone on a chair, arms in the air, a drunk piece of seaweed, until my sister escorted me down. We went outside to pee in the bushes. Julia and I began freestyle rapping. I rapped about dry skin, got stuck when I couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with Cetaphil.
The basement was full, people spilling out onto the orb of light on the concrete patio. We stood around a few short Caucasian guys who wore their caps backward, careful not to get their necks sunburned, indoors, at night. I sipped a lukewarm beer, said it tasted like pee, and handed it to my sister. I was bored, at ease, drunk, and extremely tired, less than ten minutes away from home. I had outgrown everything around me. And that is where my memory goes black, where the reel cuts off.
I, to this day, believe none of what I did that evening is important, a handful of disposable memories. But these events will be relentlessly raked over, again and again and again. What I did, what I said, will all be sliced, measured, calculated, presented to the public for evaluation. All because, somewhere at this party, is him.US