It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken

Description

A must-have manual for finding your way back to an even more rocking you. Greg and his wife, Amiira, share their hilarious and helpful roadmap for getting past the heartache and back into the game. 

From Greg Behrendt, the co-author of the smash two-million copy bestseller He’s Just Not That Into You, comes It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.

There’s no doubt about it—breakups suck. But in the first few hours or days or weeks that follow, there’s one important truth you need to recognize: Some things can’t and shouldn’t be fixed, especially that loser who dumped you or forced you to dump him. Starting right here, right now, it’s time to dry your tears, and open this book to Chapter One–and start turning your breakup into a breakover.

The ultimate survival guide to getting over Mr. Wrong and reclaiming your inner Superfox. From how to put yourself through “he-tox,” to how to throw yourself a kick-ass pity party, and reframing reality— seeing the relationship for what it was. Complete with an essential workbook to help you put your emotions down on paper and heal.“You will get through this, and you’ll do it faster with the help of It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.” —Glamour

“Insightful, been-there-have-the-scars-to-prove-it wisdom.” —New York PostComedian Greg Behrendt is the coauthor of the two-million-copy bestseller He’s Just Not That Into You. His acclaimed stand-up comedy has been seen on HBO, Comedy Central Presents . . . , The Tonight Showwith Jay Leno, Late Show with David Letterman, and Late Night with Conan O’Brien. A former consultant on Sex and the City, he lives with his wife, Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt, in Los Angeles with their two children.Chapter One

IT’S CALLED A BREAKUP BECAUSE IT’S BROKEN

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAHHHHHHH! F***, it hurts. It’s rocking the very core of your being. You never saw it com­ing. You knew this was going to happen. You were going to do it first. You only broke it off with him before he broke it off with you. You guys were supposed to be together forever. You never liked him that much anyway. He was such a great kisser. The sex wasn’t that great. You really liked his family. He hated your friends. You hated his shoes. You miss him soooooo much. There’s no doubt about it–breakups suck. And now here you are holding this stupid “Breakup Book” because, quite honestly, you’d do anything not to feel like this and maybe this book will shed some light on what you’re going through. Maybe you’ll get some sleep tonight. Or stop sleeping all the time.

In these first few hours or days or weeks of your breakup, there’s one all-important truth that you need to recognize: Some things can’t and shouldn’ t be fixed, especially that loser who dumped you or forced you to dump him. It’s over for a reason, and even if you’re in denial about it, deep down inside you prob­ably know what that reason is. Even if you feel baffled by his decision to end it, it boils down to the same thing every time: Your relationship, despite its promise, has ceased to be right for one or both of you. It is, in effect, broken. That doesn’t make the breakup any easier to handle or change the overwhelming nature of the sadness that you feel. But that sadness, in turn, doesn’t make it less broken. If you’ve reached this point, where one or both of you feel that walking away is the best course of action, the cracks are there. And starting today, you’re not the kind of woman who settles for broken or hangs on to damaged goods, be it a radio, a pair of shoes, or a relationship. Your life is not a yard sale. It’s time to get rid of all the broken stuff that you’ve been lugging around for days, months, and maybe even years, and make the bold decision to start looking for stuff that works. The bright, clean, simple, easy, runs-so-smoothly-I-don’t-even-have-to-think-about-it kind of works. Being the first one to recognize that a relationship isn’t a match doesn’t win you any great prize—just the guilt of having to hurt someone’s feelings. So even though you are clearly wounded, getting out of this bro­ken relationship is the best thing possible, even if you didn’t know it was broken until now.

“But some things can be fixed,”you say. True, but can your rela­tionship be fixed? Anything is possible, but we’d say probably not. Generally, if one person thinks that the breakup is the right move, they’re probably right even if it feels so wrong. Because unless there are two people putting on the coveralls and getting down in the trenches with some duct tape and superglue and a fierce determination, it isn’t going to happen. Need more convincing? How about this: The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, “No, thanks. I’ll try my luck elsewhere.” Or you said it to him. Either way, that alone should make you realize that it wasn’t a match made in heaven and they’re not worth donning coveralls for. Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

Right now, your mind is probably working overtime to come up with all the reasons that you should still be together. Your heart is hurting and your mind wants to find a way to undo the pain. Just remember, though, that any reasons you come up with are ultimately irrelevant. The harsh reality is that even if you have everything else in common, the one thing you don’t have in common is the belief that this relationship can work. That, my friend, trumps your shared love of puppies, The Dave Matthews Band, and Mexican food.

It’s hard not to rack your brain, searching for reasons why the two of you couldn’t make it work, but sometimes the only real answer is the simplest one: People come together and move apart. It’s the age-old ebb and flow of relationships. Some are shorter journeys, and others were meant for a lifetime. That goes for friendships as well. We become attached to what’s familiar and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable even if they’re bad for us. A lot of the pain you are experiencing right now is actually fear. Fear of things being different than how you liked them, fear of never finding another love, fear of being alone, fear of having to fill your time differently. We’re afraid of the unknown. The answer to all the questions swirling in your head—What will I do on weekends? Will I meet someone else?—is “You won’t know until you get there.” That’s hard, and it’s scary. But for the moment, you need to concentrate on what you do know—that you and he no longer share the belief that your rela­tionship has a future. It’s broken, and the longer you stay stuck in a dead-end relationship or spend your days mourning one, the less time you get on this planet to experience a great one.

So take a deep breath, steel yourself, and realize that this is going to hurt for a while. There is no quick remedy for the pow­erful sting of heartbreak, though we’re going to try to make it easier for you throughout the book. You’re going to feel like crap head to toe and run the gamut of emotions. Edgy, moody, angry, depressed, nauseated—you name it. In fact, the amount of time it takes for you to start feeling great about yourself again is directly proportional to how much it sucks right now—especially if you weren’t the one who broke it off. Because at the end of the day, someone you loved, trusted, and valued has rejected you, and that really smarts. It’s hard to not take it personally. But—and here’s the important part—the fact of the matter is, they’re wrong about you. Just because your relationship is broken doesn’t mean you are! No matter what happened between you, no mat­ter what you may or may not have done wrong, you are still a kick-ass person. And even though you might not believe it right now, this breakup is the fi rst step toward finding someone truly worthy of your greatness.

But Greg, I’ve Got Questions

But how can a relationship just break with no warning?

Dear Greg,

Marla

Dear Plasma Giver,

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married. (My grandmother used to say that.) A lot of men think once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend. Sounds like your boy-friend’s one of them. The truth is that if he’ s going to come to the conclusion that you guys should be together, he’s going do it on his own. There’s nothing you can do to make him want to be with you, and more important, want to marry you. One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes rela­tionships just end, often without reason. I truly believe that some­times both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning. What blows even more is that you were completely blindsided—even though the relationship was bro­ken on his end, he had clearly led you to believe you were in the same place emotionally. What a shitty new reality for you to get your head around now. But the sooner you do, the sooner you can get your head around this great new thought: HEY, SUPERFOX, YOU ARE HEADED SOMEWHERE FABULOUS AND THERE ARE GREAT POSSIBILITIES AHEAD. You should also let him know that the proper etiquette is that if a girl breaks off an engagement she should give back the ring. If a man breaks up with you, he should give back the TV.

But why didn’t he just break up with me instead of making me do it? MX

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